Cooperstown

Well I am currently flipping through the channels and upon stopping on the Discovery Channel I see the Man vs. Wild, previously one of my favorite shows is still on. Why previously, you ask? Well my greatest fear about the show came to fruition a few months ago: I found out the whole thing is rigged. At first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that host and former British military man Bear Grylls was really toughing out it out in the Australian Outback, eating bugs and drinking his own urine to stay alive. The truth is, a helicopter was picking Bear up every night and was taking him to the other Outback, where he could order a juicy steak and a Bloomin' Onion, and then on to the Sydney Holiday Inn Express for a good nights sleep. I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the truth.

Bear, how could you lie to me? I watched you climb down waterfalls with your bare hands, ride a log down the Amazon river, and even roast a sheep eye in a hot geyser and then eat it. How many times did I sit on my living room couch on a Friday night and watch you as you would tell me how deadly it was to get caught in quicksand, only to have my heart jump out of my chest when you jumped in anyway? Oh Bear, how could you toy with my heart so?

The thing is, Bear, you hid the whole charade so well. On certain nights you would film some shots of something waking you up in the middle of the night.....rigged. Clever, but rigged. Remember that time that "black bear" chased you through the Colorado Rocky Mountains? Well we never saw the bear, Bear. It was a hoax. A HOAX. Remember that time that you were in Alaska and you kept talking about how much easier things would be if you had a boat, and then you just happened to stumble across a deserted cabin with an old rowboat in the yard, and then you stole the boat and used it to float down the river? That was awesome, except for the fact that The Discovery Channel put that boat there for you. Either that, or some guy in Alaska just got back to his cabin only to find that his boat has been stolen...by you. That's a felony in my book. And hey Bear, remember that time that you took a wooden stick and chucked it at that rabbit and killed it in one shot? That was awesome too, except that I bet it took you 50 tries, they just didn't show them.

Look Bear, I'm not questioning you manhood. I've seen you do some crazy things that couldn't have been staged (i.e. when you jumped off the 30 foot cliff into the river). You are one tough, crazy dude. But I resent the face that you led me to believe that you were really being dropped off in the woods alone with virtually no supplies, where you would find your way out with relative ease. Granted you did have your cameraman with you, and I'm sure he had some emergency supplies just in case you were on the brink of death. But still, staying at hotels? Eating real meals in between segments? I must say, you've left me bitter and longing for naivety.

Yet amidst all the lies, I did learn one valuable lesson from you, Bear: If you ever get lost in the wilderness, try to find a river, then follow it downstream until you reach civilization. I'll always keep that in my heart.

Even as I write this, Bear is free falling 50 feet from a helicopter into shark-infested waters. Impressive Bear, but I have to ask.. are the sharks real, or are they mechanical? I wonder.....